I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
