pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I puked a lego.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
