things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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