My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
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my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
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You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
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