We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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