Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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