Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
