went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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