What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
