it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
