Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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