Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
