I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
