finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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