I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
