dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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