it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
