I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
