it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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