Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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