It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
