yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
