Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
