The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
