i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
