Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I AM VODKA MAN
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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