Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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