I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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