And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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