I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
