I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish you could order shots online.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
