I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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