Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
