Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
