Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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