guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
