OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
