I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
