why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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