Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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