I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
