I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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