my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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