we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
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