if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
