I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
