He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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