I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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