Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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