He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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