i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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