Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize