just come out here and I will go home with you...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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