mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Randomize
