Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
